


When I'm Gone

by xanderbabey



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Character Death, Depressing, Drug Use, Fluff, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Promiscuity, Sick Character, Smut, Toxic Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:35:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28000239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xanderbabey/pseuds/xanderbabey
Summary: Ushijima handles his grief in a self-destructive way.
Relationships: Semi Eita/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 21





	1. When I'm Gone

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! this is my first fic and i would love feedback!!!  
> my twitter is @xanderbabeyy  
> i'm also working on a twitter au on instagram, so please consider checking that out as well.  
> @ushisemten._trash

Tendou laid there in his hospital bed. He was dying and he knew it. It would be any day now. 

There was only one thing he wanted before he died. He wanted to see his best friend. Ushijima had been avoiding visiting, fearing that he wouldn't be able to see Tendou in such a state. 

Tendou had an inoperable tumor in his brain. It was slowly eating his brain and killing him. Tendou longed to see the face of the boy he loved more than life itself before he forgot him and died. 

He had come to terms with dying. He was scared, but who wouldn't be? He was going to die. Tendou just stopped denying what was happening to him. 

Tendou had already lost feeling in his body. Everything from the neck down was dead. All that was left was his heart and his brain. 

Ushijima wanted to see Tendou. He wanted to see his beautiful red eyes and touch his locks of flaming red hair, but he could never bring himself to see the boy. He was in so much pain just from the thought of losing Tendou that it was like he already died. 

Ushijima had been in love with Tendou since he was a child. They were best friends all throughout their school career and even into college. Once they graduated is when Tendou's condition got the better of him. It was only downhill from there. It had only been a year since they graduated and Tendou was already almost dead. 

Ushijima couldn't tell Tendou that he loved him, and if he saw him dying, he wouldn't be able to control his emotions. Ushijima was so scared of losing Tendou, losing the only boy he had ever loved. He was losing his best friend, his only true friend and it killed him. It felt like Ushijima's heart was dying there in that hospital bed with him. 

He needed to see him. The urge hit Ushijima like a wall of brick. 

He grabbed his car keys, not even changing out of the sweatpants and hoodie he had lived in for a week and a half. Ushijima didn't care about anything else in the world right now. 

Ushijima rushed to the hospital while scrolling through his texts with Tendou. He had texted him the room number he was in for when he wanted to visit. 325. 

He tried to be patient, but the emptiness welling in his chest told him to hurry, and the elevator was taking too damn long. 

Ushijima found the stairs and ran up three flights, bursting through the stair entrance. 

318, 320, 324, 325. 

The olive-haired boy let out a shaky breath, tears already beginning to pool. He opened the door and what he saw was much worse than what he imagined. 

Tendou's red hair was thin and oily. He was much skinnier, almost skin and bone. He was hooked up to several machines-- some pumping things into him and others monitoring his condition. 

"Wakatoshi, you finally came." Tendou smiled weakly. His skin was sickly pale and thin. "I had to. I needed to see you, Satori." The tears Ushijima had been trying to hold back came streaming out as he shut the door and sat down in the chair next to Tendou's hospital bed. 

"I missed you, Waka." Tendou turned his head to look at Ushijima, taking in the sight of the only man he would ever love. His first and last, the beginning and the end. 

"I missed you too, Satori. I missed you so much." Ushijima's wall broke. The wave of emotions he was so scared of letting out came crashing down and drowned him. He let out a harsh sob, his chest heaving as more and more tears poured out of his gorgeous olive eyes. "I couldn't think of anything but you, Satori. I love you! I love you so much! If I had told you sooner, maybe we could've loved each other as more. We could've been together, but I was a coward." Ushijima's voice got louder and louder with every word. Not in an angry way, though. His words were forcing themselves out as he was trying to shove it all back in. 

"What...? You... you love me?" Tears streaked the sickly boy's pale, thin face. His lips quivered and he tried to sniffle. "Yes! I've loved you since the day I saw you, Satori." Ushijima grabbed Tendou's limp hand, kissing it gently. Tendou cried harder. He wished he could feel Ushijima's lips on his skin. Just once before he was gone. 

Ushijima let go of his hand and moved it to his face, placing his large warm hand on Tendou's cheek. He gently wiped the tears falling from his eyes. "This isn't fair, Wakatoshi. I've loved you my whole life and now..." Another sob wracked Ushijima's body. "I know, Satori. I know. There will never be another for me. I've loved you more than you could ever imagine." 

"I don't want to die, Wakatoshi... please, help me." 

"I wish I could... I wish I could do something Tendou... I'm so sorry." Ushijima placed his arm on the railing of Tendou's hospital bed, shoving his face into his arm. Sobs and whimpers from both of the boys filled the room. They cried together for hours. 

After they had both stopped crying, Ushijima stood up. "Satori... Can I do something I should've done a long time ago?" Tendou just nodded, not having the energy to reply. 

Ushijima took a deep breath, leaned down and kissed Tendou gently. He attempted to kiss back and that was all Ushijima needed. His heart sunk deeper into the pit of his stomach as he pulled away and sat back down. "I love you more than anything." Tendou smiled weakly before speaking in a soft, timid voice. 

"Once I'm gone, don't mourn for me. I hope you take pride in what I used to be. Let go of all your pain." Ushijima's eyes shot wide. 

"Satori..." 

"Will you remember me when I'm gone or will you forget all that I've done?" Ushijima's eyes filled with tears. 

"What are you talking about, Satori? Of course I'll remember you. I could never forget you." 

"I've made mistakes that I can't take back. Can you forgive all my wrongs?" 

"Satori... don't talk like that... You didn't do anything wrong..." 

Tendou's smile widened. "The memories will fade, but what we create may stay." 

Ushijima placed both of his hands on Tendou's cheeks, caressing them with his thumb. "I love you, Satori." 

"I love you too, Wakatoshi." 

Ushijima could hear Tendou's heart rate slowing down on the monitor. It was coming. Death was on its way. He began to shake. "Satori..." 

"Yes, Wakatoshi?" Tendou's eyes were beginning to glaze over. "I promise," He leaned in and kissed Tendou with all the care and love in the world. "We'll meet again, okay? Wait for me." His words shook just like his hands. He couldn't breathe properly and tears slipped out of his puffy eyes. 

"Of course, Wakatoshi." 

Flatline. 

A violent sob tore through Ushijima's body. He shut Tendou's eyes with his thumbs before removing his hands from his face. A team of nurses came in and marked the time of death. He curled around himself in the chair, not hearing anything going on around him. All he could hear were Tendou's words reverberating through his skull.


	2. Chapter 2

After Tendou’s death, it was extremely hard for Ushijima to move on. 

He didn’t leave his apartment for months. He lost his job, and almost lost his apartment, but his mom began paying rent for him. 

The only reason he even had food or got up to shower is because Semi, a friend from college, brought groceries every week and helped him up and into the shower. 

It was routine at this point: Semi went grocery shopping, brought the food to Ushijima’s apartment, put it away, made the larger man shower, and cooked a good meal for him. 

“Why do you keep doing this, Eita? Just let me die in my bed.” Ushijima’s voice was hoarse. He hadn’t been drinking enough water. “You know I can’t do that, Toshi.” Semi pushed the strands of oily hair out of Ushijima’s face. He was getting thinner. 

The truth was Semi was in love with Ushijima. He had been in love with him since freshman year of college, but it was obvious he didn’t return the feelings. Semi always knew, but now he had his chance. 

If he could fix Ushijima, maybe he would love him. Maybe he could fix him. 

Semi knew it was wrong, but the desperation to make Ushijima feel better, to make him forget, was overwhelming. He wanted the man to love him the way he loved Tendou. He was jealous that he couldn’t receive that love. 

Semi sighed and walked out of Ushijima’s bedroom to grab him a glass of water. 

He came back, making Ushijima sit up in his bed, and handed him the glass. 

He downed the large glass in a matter of seconds. “Now, go shower while I make us some food.” 

Semi left, shutting the bedroom door to give the man his privacy. 

He headed into the kitchen and began to work on Ushijima’s favorite dish, hayashi rice. 

After about an hour, Ushijima came out of his room, showered and half dressed. He was only wearing boxers and had his towel wrapped around his neck. 

“Eita, do you mind helping me with laundry? All of my clothes are dirty.” The tall, olive-haired man sounded shameful. He was beating himself for needing help with such basic tasks. He no longer cried over Tendou. The empty feeling in his chest was almost gone too, so why couldn’t he do the basics for himself? Why was he still struggling? 

“Sure!” Semi stepped out of the kitchen. “I need to let the food cook anyway, so let’s get started!” That’s when the ash blond noticed what Ushijima was wearing-- or lack thereof. 

Blush consumed his face and he rushed past Ushijima. “Yeah, let’s wash and get you some clothes.” 

Despite losing a lot of his muscle, Ushijima still had his naturally strong build. His abs and chest were flattening out, but Semi had always preferred men who looked athletic, but not buff. 

Once the two gathered up the clothes and put them in the laundry basket, Ushijima carried it to the bathroom. His washer and dryer was on one side and his toilet, sink, and shower were on the other. 

The bathroom was quite clean despite the towels strewn all over the place. Semi decided they should wash those too. He snagged the one Ushijima was carrying on his shoulder before he grabbed the ones on the floor. 

Ushijima put a load of clothes in the washing machine and added soap and fabric softener. 

Semi set the towels next to the washing machine before they both left for the kitchen. 

The blond checked on the food and Ushijima sat on the counter. “What did you bring today?” Ushijima’s voice was soft, almost a whisper. “Some meat, bread, hot pockets, TV dinners, rice, potatoes, stuff for sandwiches, milk and eggs. Y’know, low effort stuff.” Ushijima hummed in response. 

Semi closed the lid of the pot. “I’m making your favorite today.” The olive-haired boy perked up, his eyes wide. “Really?” Semi smiled and nodded. The man across from him looked like a child, and he was soaking it up. He hated Ushijima being a hermit. 

Ushijima hopped off of the counter and enveloped Semi in a hug. “Thank you, for everything you’ve done for me.” Semi wrapped his arms around Ushijima’s waist and inhaled. “You’re welcome.” 

Ushijima smelled of the forest on a nice summer day. Semi felt his heart flutter as Ushijima held him. 

In truth, this was the most comfort Ushijima had felt since the last time he hugged Tendou. Semi was warm, smelling of freshly baked sugar cookies and gingerbread men. The spicy, sweet smell filled his lungs and made him hug the shorter blond tighter. 

Of course, Semi reciprocated. He had wanted this for so long. He was being held by the strong arms of the man that he adored more than anyone in the world. 

Although, Semi knew. He knew that this wasn’t because Ushijima loved him back. This was because he was lonely, but he’d be damned if he didn’t absorb every second and etch the memory into his heart and soul. 

Semi’s warm breath brushed against the skin of the taller man’s neck, sending a chill down his spine. The hands that pressed on his lower back were soft and caring. They were long and skinny, almost like Tendou’s hands. Ushijima had an overwhelming feeling come over him; don’t let go. 

“Eita,” Ushijima whispered into Semi’s ear. “I… I think I need you.” 

Semi backed away slightly, but kept his hold on Ushijima’s waist. “What do you--” Semi was cut off by the olive-haired man pressing his lips against his. The blond’s eyes shot open, panicking. He stared at Ushijima’s face for a second and then relaxed, kissing the man back. 

Once they pulled away, Ushijima’s gaze was expectant-- he was waiting on Semi to say he wanted him too so he could fill the rest of this emptiness in his chest. “Wakatoshi… are- are you really sure?” A blush enveloped Semi’s cheeks as he held back a smile. 

Ushijima huffed and a smile tugged at his lips. “Of course. Eita, you’ve been taking care of me this whole time and I… I finally realized that you’re right for me.” Ushijima truly thought he meant what he said. 

Semi’s heart beat against his chest, his palms began to get sweaty and his eyes were filled with love and longing. ‘Oh, Toshi!” He placed a hand on the back of Ushijima’s head and one on his cheek and pulled him down, their lips colliding with passion and heat. 

After they parted, the washer beeped, signaling that the load of clothes were done and Semi’s timer went off for the food. They both rushed to their respective jobs. 

Ushijima, once behind closed doors, began to cry. Semi felt so much like Tendou, and filled the slight emptiness. The rush from kissing the man made his heart beat like a drum in his ears.

Ushijima loaded the wet clothes in the dryer, started it, and then put the rest of his clothes in the washer. He went to the sink afterwards and splashed his face with water. The tears dissipated and he grabbed a hoodie from his closet-- it was going to get dark soon and his apartment always got colder at night. 

He came out to the dining room to see Semi waiting with a plate of food in front of him and a plate across from him, waiting for Ushijima to come sit and eat with him. A smile tugged at the corners of the tall man’s lips and he sat down at his place. 

They ate in a comfortable silence. Afterwards, they washed the dishes, folded clothes that came out of the dryer, and loaded the rest of Ushijima’s clothes in, putting the towels in the washer. 

Ushijima was finally able to put on proper clothes, choosing black sweatpants and a maroon shirt. 

“Well,” Semi let his arms fall to his side with a sigh, “I guess I should head home.” 

“No.” Ushijima grabbed the shorter man by his waist and hoisted him up. “Stay here tonight.” 

Semi’s face became a tomato. “Are you sure?” He wrapped his arms around Ushijima’s neck and his legs around his waist. Ushijima nodded and carried the man to his bedroom, plopping him down on the soft, cushiony mattress. 

Ushijima kicked off his sweatpants and slid into bed. He brought Semi up to the head of the bed with him and covered them both with the blanket. 

He grabbed the remote to his TV and turned it on, turning his gaze towards Semi. “What should we watch tonight?” 

Semi blushed, the intense eye contact too much for his poor heart. He stripped of his jeans and socks under the blanket and pushed them off onto the floor. “How about we just listen to music and talk?”

Ushijima smiled and Semi felt like his heart would explode. “Okay.” 

He gave the remote to Semi. “Pick whatever you like, I’m not picky.” The olive-haired man pushed himself into his pillows, sighing. 

Semi played “My Jinji” by Sunset Rollercoaster and set the remote down on the bed, scooting closer to Ushijima. He laid down and the man was facing him. “So, what would you like to talk about, Eita?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my twitter is @xanderbabeyy


End file.
